[PSL] time travel, time travel

[curriculum_fictae]

[ Martin had always known that Lukas would kill him in the end. If not along the way, then surely at the end, once he'd gotten what he wanted out of Martin, whatever that turned out to be. When the Lonely rose up to swallow him, he'd accepted his impending death with ... what?

What did he have left, really? Numbness, mostly. A hallucination of Jon in the Lonely, looking for him, but - but that was impossible, ridiculous. His mind playing cruel tricks. He settled himself down in the frigid surf, knees drawn up close to his chest, unshed tears frozen to his cheeks and lashes.

And then. A door. A door that shouldn't exist, that couldn't exist. That he shouldn't take at all. The Lonely was terrible, yes, but it was quiet, and it was peaceful. Martin was aligned enough with it by now to very nearly enjoy it, in a strange and terrible way. The Spiral would be infinitely worse than this quiet beach.

But ... it was hope, too. In a strange way. Hope enough that Martin found himself turning the door handle and stepping through, leaving the false comfort of the Lonely behind him.

The transition was unpleasant. Long. But Martin couldn't remember it after; he only remembered stumbling out through the door of a supply closet somewhere deep in the Archives, blinking up at the dim bulbs that pretended to be sufficient. What time was it? Had he escaped? Where were Lukas and Elias now?

And where was Jon? ]

Comments

[curriculum_fictae]

[ Having taken care of the kitchen and living room, Algric stands in front of the sodden mattress, having much the same though. Can he salvage it? What a strange thought that is. But ... he puts a hand on it, trying to freeze as much of the water as he can, with the thought that he could draw it out, maybe. That would be something.

He's silent for a moment, trying that, before he glances back at his younger self. That brings up Jon's feelings, though, and totally ruins what he was trying to do. He turns back, then, and starts over. ]

I'm - I'm sorry. For making things worse earlier.

[secreteary]

[it takes a moment so think and sort out his feelings on that.]

It's fine. Really. I ended up embarrassing myself, but. It wasn't so bad, by the end.

[Martin huffs a laugh.]

It was all...really nice, actually.

[curriculum_fictae]

[ Algric blinks at that, turning back again. ]

Really? I mean - I thought so too, but -

[ He wants to be careful around his younger self. He can't take Jon from him. ]

1/3

[secreteary]

Don't get me wrong.

[there's a sharpness to his tone there suddenly. he focuses on wringing out his duvet bit by bit, as much as possible...maybe a little more roughly than necessary.]

I'm still jealous of you. Maybe even angry, but in general. I still think you're...I don't know. Better. Mmm. That's not the word I'm looking for.

[he knows how it twists and snarls in his gut when he thinks of how Jon confessed to him first. he knows the angry, subtle stab to his chest that he feels when Algric is getting attention. he knows the ache of loneliness when Algric has useful information.]

2/3

[secreteary]

At least after last night, I'm trying to know that...I matter, too. Even if I'm not sure why. And so I think that I can forgive you for what you said.

[Martin grabs a pillow and presses it against a wall to push out excess water. better than doing it against the bed and doing possibly more damage to the mattress, and better than doing it against himself and getting soaked.

his voice softens.]

People don't- What happened last night, what everyone did- That's not something that people do for people who don't matter enough to them.

[the pillow gets tossed onto a pile of bedding that he's attempted to get water out of.]

So...yeah. It's okay.

3/3

[secreteary]

[finally turning to Algric, he gives a self-deprecating smile.]

You're me, but...not. And we...have a lot easier time forgiving someone else than ourselves, don't we?

[curriculum_fictae]

More useful.

[ Which equates to better when all your relationships so far seem to be built on that foundation of usefulness. Even Jon, before he'd seen the man's kinder side. Yes. He understands that sentiment completely. The anger, the jealousy, the fear of not being good enough.

He uses the chill that goes through him to draw out more water out of the mattress as ice. And takes in a breath. ]

Y-yes. I - well. Nothing personal, but I fucking hate myself.

[ He manages a watery smile. ]

For some reason, Jon loves both of us.

[secreteary]

[Martin echoes:]

For some reason.

[he grabs another pillow, trying to think of how to word what he wants to say.]

I'm sorry that that hasn't changed. The self-hate, I mean.

[then, it hits him-]

Wait, I thought that's what Jon's compulsion did?

[curriculum_fictae]

[ Algric blinks at that last question, confusion bright on his face as he turns to face his younger self. ]

Jon just changed what I feel when - when I look at you. Myself. Either.

[ As evidenced by the slight blush in his cheeks that creeps in regardless of what he wants. ]

It doesn't magically fix my self-esteem issues.

[secreteary]

Oh. [the disappointment is clear, but he also seems almost sorry for Algric]

Stupid of me to think it'd do that much, I guess.

[he hadn't really been watching what Algric was doing, but now that he's actually paying attention, he looks at his own translucent left hand and gives it a shot on the pile of pillows and bedding that he'd worked on the hard way earlier.

it's too easy. a stone drops in Martin's gut.]

So? What do you see?

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N-no, not stupid. This is all new territory. For all of us.

[ It's easier to be gentler with himself when it's literally another person. Even moreso when he doesn't have to look at his own face and hate it on sight, and instead ... well. He flushes a bit more. ]

I see - I see what Jon sees. When he looks at us. Either of us.

[secreteary]

[oh--]

Which is...what?

[curriculum_fictae]

[ God, Martin. Don't ask him that. He just goes redder as he lets his gaze linger on Martin. ]

He ... he loves us. Truly. We look softer to him. A little brighter. He sees our kindness, and. And how much we care.

[ He swallows thickly and looks away. ]

It's, ah. A bit of a romantic feeling.

[secreteary]

[Martin goes just as red as Algric in an instant, maybe more.

he can admit that he's kind. sure. he just doesn't value himself for it. doesn't think other people see it or value it, either. yes, his kindness is mostly genuine, but there's also the part that comes from a place of desperately wanting to be liked, to be recognized. ...and there's the deeper fear of suffering more abuse if he doesn't behave.

but to be seen, to be valued, is painful in a way. is it that he's so used to being unseen that a sudden spotlight is terrifying? or is it because being seen in a good way makes him question why he doesn't see himself that way?

either way...it's impossible not to be emotional. he clears his throat, but his voice is still hoarse regardless.]

Are you downplaying it, or is it really..."just a bit"?

[curriculum_fictae]

[ God, Martin, don't ask him that. He doesn't want to examine that closely for multiple reasons. He's not sure how much of it is Jon's true emotions, and also he kind of doesn't want to feel romantically interested in himself? Like. It's a little weird, even knowing it's coming from Jon.

His blush mirrors Martin's, then, as he keeps his gaze turned away. ]

D. Downplaying it. It's - ah - rather strong.

[secreteary]

[he could cry again. he really could. but he won't; not right now. last night was already too much weakness to show others.

it's a little wet, but Martin manages a small laugh.]

Guess that makes looking at me a bit awkward. It's better than passing out, I suppose.

[curriculum_fictae]

Y-yes, infinitely better than. Than passing out. And as long as I remember it's Jon's feeling, then ...

[ Then it's nice. It's proof at his fingertips whenever he looks at himself in any form. That's a hell of a gift. ]

B-but yes, it's. Looking at you, a little weird.

[secreteary]

[automatic response?]

Sorry.

[curriculum_fictae]

N-not like - I don't usually feel fluffy and warm and dimly like I want to kiss my own face, all right? That's weird!

[secreteary]

I didn't think you meant that! [eugh!]

[curriculum_fictae]

W-well don't apologise for our face then!

[secreteary]

I'm not! I'm apologizing for- F-for the awkward stuff! [!!!!!]

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It's not your fault Jon is - is such an unrepentant romantic!

[secreteary]

I-I'm not saying it's my fault- [never mind that he apologized like it is] -I'm just sorry that- That looking at me is still a problem! Just a different one!

[curriculum_fictae]

It's -

[ God. Algric buries his face in his hands for a moment, not sure if what he's about to say is right either. ]

It's not a problem! I-it's wonderful! Every time I do I get to feel how Jon feels about us, and - and I feel guilty that you don't get to feel it too.